KT

Stressed. Terrified. Absolutely terrified. Probably the same mentality as any other typical junior. The difference, is that I'm doing nothing about it. When you want something so badly, you strive for it.. do your best for it. It's the opposite with me. I have the ambition, but I lack the drive, or effort. I want it so badly, but when reality hits me, it hits me hard... then I'm left baffled. What am I supposed to do?! WHAT and HOW. I want a passion. What happened to all my passions?? They just...died out. I keep overthinking, then they get pushed to the back of my mind and eventually die out. Will I have to go for something or do something that I dont want to in order to satisfy the expectations of others? My family? School. Ah, school. Grades. Need a 4.0. Finals. Trying to raise the messed up grades I came here with. Why did I slack off in the first place. Why? I end up regretting most of the things I do... so why don't I fix it? Do I like to make myself miserable? Maybe? Why cant I just commit myself and try my best? I guess I'm afraid of commitment. So afraid of commitment. Afraid of the fallout. I guess that applies to relationships too. I'm afraid of being thrown off. Do I trust people too easily? Or maybe, I build a wall too high? What makes it harder is that the friendships that I've put so many years or effort into, the same friendships I thought could withstand my move, in actuality cant. Devastating. Realizing the same amount of years spent to build friendships here, would not be the same as the friendships built upon kickball and elementary school chitchat. The many acquaintances I had made at PHHS. Gone. Awkwardness. Lack of things to talk about. Less energy. Fear. Loneliness.

Sucks.

I miss you guys so much, you dont even know.

School...Bethel. So much..so much.

posted by KT @ 3:48 PM