KT

I had another bad case of nosebleed syndrome.. I've been having a bloody nose every morning and every night for the past 3 days. I was taking a shower and then all of a sudden a red splotch appeared. Then another, and another. It kept coming out like a freaking never ending waterfall. Then I watched it swirl down the drain. Why am I talking about this? Because I am utterly..Completely drained. I feel like..I'm slowly losing polish. As if I'm a fake silver necklace starting to rust. Then I'll just be replaced by a newer, shinier necklace. I don't know why, but after I found out my grade on my stupid essay..I lost it. Some vessel in my brain popped, and I'm not the same. I'm slower.. Quieter. I have less to say, less to think about. My brain is constantly blank. I am neither thinking nor dreaming. Im just there. Just another thing composed of cells. I wont call this an emo entry. Because I don't want to kill myself. Not at all. Its the furthest thing from my mind. I just feel bland. So ordinary. I'm certainly happy for people who are happy, content, or nervous about budding romances, but I don't feel that way. It's either Im slow at doing homework..or I have a lot of homework. I don't know which. I really hate having seven classes. I took a nap today at 3 and I woke up around 5:30. I scrambled to finish my homework. I barely made it. I had to sacrifice practicing the flute, memorizing my ions, or my French poem, doing my essay, or even doing my chemistry lab. All of these things I didn't do, while Im here typing up this stupid entry. The simple answer is that I have no strength to do it. Im not tired. Just emotionally and mentally tired. My brain wont retain any more information.. It cant. Its as if im stuck in some time warp, and Im going slowly while others are speeding away, doing their work quickly and efficiently. Im happy for them. I really am. I just wish I could be one of them. Quick. Naturally good. Charming. I'm losing it, I really am. I need to..Get my spark back, because its going away. Really quickly. At school I'm less...Noisy, opinionated. Im tired..Slow and I have no..."Oomph." I TRY to act normally as I usually do, so I don't worry people. But I don't know. I guess I wish I had someone that shared my helplessness. My utter RETARDEDNESS. To put it simply, someone just as stupid as me. Yes, it's very selfish, but I'm still a little girl. I don't know any better. But even after that day I got my essay score..I was very upset, but slowly piece by piece my anger started to deteriorate, and I laughed occasionally. Then I scolded myself for doing so, because I had to be mad. I had to. This is my biggest fear. I am scared...So very scared. I almost die at the thought of being unfased by my bad grades. I've become less sensitive to them, and now I am scared that I will become uncaring..bad grades will start to become indifferent to me.. then I wont get better or try harder. I'll just keep going downhill. THAT...Frightens me beyond belief. Besides that.. I never..EVER want to disappoint my parents. NEVER. If I had uncaring, unfair, unloving parents.. Of course I wouldn't give a crap what grades I got.. I would just get mediocre grades.. But I want my parents to be happy. The look on their faces when they are proud of me..is something I want forever. I want to be the smart daughter.. The witty, and kind daughter that they deserve. They deserve better, and so I try so much, but It doesn't seem like enough. They tell me that they are proud of me, and would never compare me. That they love me as who I am. But I want them to have better. That is why I am striving to get the grades that I want. That is why I am so obsessed over getting good grades, and getting a good career. That is why im so insane. So then.. If I am successful, I want to spoil my parents with everything that they want..just like they spoil me. I want to give them everything that they worked so hard for, but were never able to receive. My parents are so supportive, caring, loving, and they do not judge people. Never. I am willing...as much as it would hurt me...but I would be willing to move for them...Move churches..countries..because they give me so much. Please don't worry about me, because I have ways to deal with my stress, or I will find ways. With that, I have poured out my weeks emotions. I am very tired. Please don't take them lightly or take advantage of them. Im serious.

posted by KT @ 9:39 PM